5 tips you must consider about marriage before you say ‘I Do’
So you want to be married? Learn to be selfless and familiarise yourself with 2 words ‘I’m Sorry’
I’m smiling and grinning as I write this because before I got married, I thought I was so sweet and that pride was not an issue for me. Don’t get me wrong, I still think I’m sweet, but I have seen some ugly sides that I’ve had to deal with. Being married puts a magnifying glass on your soul. The good, the bad and the ugly will come out at some point to the very person who means so much to you. In my two and a half years of marriage I have grown so much and let me tell you, there is no room for pride in marriage. Being married is about learning how to put your partner’s needs before yours and that, my friend, is not always easy but it’s necessary. This week my husband and I had an argument (arguments are not bad by the way, it’s all about how you deal with them) and I didn’t want to say sorry because I felt my point was valid. Deep down, however, I knew I had to because of the way I spoke to him. For about an hour after the argument my husband felt cold and closed towards me, but the moment I said ‘I’m sorry’ his face lit up and he told me he felt loved and understood. What we were arguing about doesn’t matter. The fact is I was wrong, and even though I felt he was also wrong, it’s not about who’s wrong or right, it’s about staying connected.
Learn how to speak in your husband’s language!
From day 1 until now, communication has been one of the hardest things we’ve had to work on. Sometimes, when my husband speaks, it’s as if he is speaking Swahili – and he feels exactly the same about me. It’s a natural thing to want to get your point across, but some of the biggest growth in our relationship happened when we learned to be quiet and really listen to each other. That is when you begin to understand each other’s issues, deal with them and move forward. Precious diamonds are formed under the greatest pressure and heat. Beauty, wisdom and growth can come through difficult circumstances. Sometimes the beauty of marriage is found in the conflict.
Consider saving sex until after the marriage ceremony!
It would be easy for me to say that we didn’t have sex simply because I am a Christian. Yes, this is all true – I am a Christian and my love and dedication to God means so much to me. However, I want to share the benefits that come from waiting, whether you’re a Christian or not. Even though in today’s society this is not the norm,it was one of the best discussions we could have ever made, and laid a very strong foundation for our marriage. When you’re not having sex, you’re creating intimacy that is based 100% around commitment, connection and trust. I knew that my husband wanted me for my mind, soul and spirit. In my opinion, sex is very important, but it’s like the cherry on top of the cake. The cake is the soul to soul connection you have with your spouse, the way they make you come alive when you’re with them and the exclusive bond only the two of you share. In marriage, you will have moments of tiredness, or life simply happens. If you and your spouse are not connecting or if you’re arguing, the last thing you’ll want to do is have sex. Sex is an absolutely beautiful thing but surely, your relationship MUST be about more…!
Don’t listen to everything people tell you! Write your own story…
Before I got married I received varying opinions about marriage, and I listened to all of them because I wanted to learn from people who had experiences that I didn’t. One person said, ‘if you can just get past the first year you’ll be fine, but it will be hell, trust me’! Our first year was completely the opposite – it was fabulous! We traveled, finally got to spend lots of time together and just generally enjoyed each other’s company. Yes, we argued, but who doesn’t? My point is, your marriage is your marriage, not any one else’s. Listen to people, ask questions (trust me I did) and then take the parts you want and leave the rest.
A good marriage counselor is so important!
Get some good counseling beforehand – and I mean someone who will ask the correct questions! Before we got married we had a fantastic counselor by the name of Noel McLean. He was great because he never took sides but found a way of helping us to see our issues from the others person’s view point. In fact, my husband didn’t even want to go because he thought it was pointless but by the 3rd session he was hooked. Some sticky things popped up that were not fun or rosy. I’m so glad they did, however, because I knew what I was getting myself into before I said ‘I do’. Of course you can’t know everything before the big day comes, but counseling is a must because you may find out that the person you’ve chosen is not the correct one. It’s much better to find this out before, rather than after. We all step into marriage with baggage from our life experiences or past relationships. Some things will take longer than others to deal with but I’m sure you get my point. You want to make sure you’re the best person you can be for your spouse and that means investing in your relationship. Noel McLean has a company called Destiny Empowerment Services I would highly recommend him.
I hope this helps, please share your thoughts and tips in the comments section below and let’s get a conversation going.
For more about Chris and I read one of our previous blog posts:
Photography by Daisy Douglas Photography
Hair/MUA/Styling – Natz Divine Touch from MO ISO